Dear Aunt Dora.
I CAME ACROSS this picture on WhatsApp and it disturbed my mind that’s why I decided to write to you.
What do you think of this story? Will this marriage really last after the wife forced the man to wear this shirt to church?
Do you think public shaming is a good way to solve marriage problems especially adultery?
What would you advise a couple in such a situation to do?
Discouraged single and searching gal, 24 years old, secretary, Oyugis, Kenya.
Dear discouraged single and looking gal,
Thanks for taking to the courage to share your concerns.
As a young woman looking for love it is important to be consciously aware of some of the challenges married people face before you dive into the club.
Adultery is a cancer in many relationships and do pray that it does not happen to you! However there are many men who are faithful so this particular sideshow should not put you off a good man.
Gathering from the picture you shared with us from WhatsApp it is obvious who is actually the “head” of this family. What I am not sure of is if this photo is real or photo shopped.
Nonetheless to answer you, most successful marriage problems are solved by honest dialogue and not by shaming. Your husband is dishonest about buying the female shirt for himself.
If your husband is unfaithful, shaming him by forcing him to wear his “mpango wa kando’s” blouse will not resolve the problem but may make things worse. By shaming him, you turn him into a victim whereas he is the culprit. That’s when you find yourself apologizing when he is the one in the wrong. If you are the vengeful type, you could also borrow a man’s suit and tie from your office and start wearing it. Tell him you bought it for yourself. This may backfire on you though.
When you force him to wear “mpango wa kando’s” underwear, bra or shirt to church, you make him even closer to her because he will develop a bond with her clothes. Her blouse may actually turn him on. All he will be thinking of in church is her. He may even pray that God breaks up the relationship so he can be with her. Facebook fans and friend are used to lynching and gang justice so posting your man’s picture “in sin” is a bad idea.You are also exposing him to people of other sexes who may start thinking he is a woman and may try to seduce him. You will be introducing a double jeopardy on yourself.
The decision as to how long your marriage will last depends on how long both parties are willing to tolerate the existing situation. My recommendation is to seek professional marriage counseling. This can lead to reconciliation or an educated divorce by a divorce lawyer. Do you love your man enough to let him have another woman? If your first wedding was in church, then Kenyan law does not allow him to remarry. If his first marriage was traditional, he can bring the “mpango wa kando” home and marry her as a second wife. You can then hand over to her all the housework. He can only marry up to three or four wives, depending on his culture or faith.
At the end of the day, your marriage life is what you make it. Good luck!
Aunt Dora has a Masters in Psychology from Villanova University, USA, and a PhD in the Language of Love.