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When My Friends Fight On Facebook


WHEN MY FRIENDS fight dirty on Facebook, and spew insults and scandals the size of an Anaconda Python’s spit, I get a red alert siren on my brain. I dislike poisonous snakes. I avoid them like the plague.

Anacondas kill by constricting (squeezing) the prey until it can no longer breathe. Sometimes they drown the prey. Like all snakes, they swallow the prey whole, head first. They are the longest snakes in the world, 6 m long and 8.8 m high. That is how long these Facebook fights have lasted and continue to be. This is what they have done to me. Listening to all these Facebook fights, I can no longer breathe.

When my Facebook friends charge at each other like angry buffaloes, they remind me of the tiny little red pepper that makes the brain go roller coaster and spoils a good appetite during a great meal. Their voices and faces change and I can no longer recognize them. These fights are pilipili hot, no filters, raw as a sewage tank and hold no prisoners.

An angry Buffalo Clip. Courtesy.

I have anxiety, restless nights and panic attacks. I simply cannot sleep. My mind is filled with the poisonous tags and trails they leave along the way. I feel sick when they ask me to watch their free for all do or die defamation matches. Pease tag me not!

I am yet to find a way to block friends of friends.

Have you ever been bitten by a poisonous snake or had a cobra spit in your eye? Then you may have an idea what kind of crisis my friends have put me in. I would rather be alone.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Freedom and power when abused can damage the world in the twinkle of an eye.

When my friends get into an ugly verbal wrestling match in the Zuckerberg ring, they ask me to choose between them, to cheer them and be loyal to them or else they cite the “block me” script as if I am the criminal in their imaginary world. The nerve! Let me eat my Mango and Peach flavored water ice in peace.

Sometimes water Ice is the better friend. Photo Omwa Ombara

Some of my Facebook friends are family, in-laws, colleagues and employers, neighbors, landlord/ladies and tenants, school-mates, godparents, pastors and name it. And when they fight each other, there is no hole big enough for me to hide me. And so, I shut my Facebook down.

My friends have been fighting on Facebook and going live on each other’s throats with deep secrets they confessed to each other before they became enemies. They pull out one secret after another like a magician from their monkey bag of tricks. When you have a friend, do not tell them everything. I have learnt that your best secrets are safe in the grave.

Oh! Oh! Oh! These factories of scandals! No shame is left in their veins. Let me eat my Pineapple and Cherry flavored water ice in peace. With friends like these, who needs enemies?

These fights are harsh like hot pepper that ruin a good meal. Photo Courtesy

Oh! Oh! Oh! These Facebook lives have sent me to the therapist because some of the scandals have been too much for my mental health. For days, I have kept away from Facebook to re-evaluate what friendship really means and if the outcomes are good for my peace of mind.

My friends have been fighting on Facebook and accusing each other of crimes best investigated by the FBI, the CID and perhaps best sorted by the police. I promise not to be a witness or vouch for them for I have learnt from their actions that I do not really know who they truly are. It is a scam.

Luckily for my friends, Zuckerberg does not arrest anybody, all he does is throw you in the cold for a week or two and then you bounce back like you have just alighted from a short flight.

My friends have been fighting on Facebook and I don’t know why, all I know is that I just want to cry. They insult each other’s mothers and children. They lie through their teeth and laugh wickedly.

They call each other witches and wizards. They accuse each other of murdering their parents, stealing from a sick friend after a fundraiser, cyber-bullying, forcing white men to marry them, dancing like mad people, stealing each other’s husbands and wives, giving birth to tortoise eggs. They laugh at each other’s failures and weaknesses. They mock each other’s ill health. Whoever laughed at tragedy? Who laughs at deformity in the face. Who ever escaped death’s long arms?

My friends are fighting on Facebook and playing voices they recorded from past conversations. I do not want a friend who secretly records me when we are having a healthy chat. I once thought I knew what friendship was but I find in this field of life I am but an ignorant, illiterate one.

I have kept away from many links and pages. I have grown frugal with my likes and loves. I have failed to pick many phone calls and reduced my calls by half. My circle keeps shrinking in size, until I am only surrounded by true friends.

Thanks to all my friends who have stood the test of time.

For now, it is, Bye Felicia! Let me have my water ice.

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